Hello everyone. I know it has been a long time since I last updated. The past couple of months have been busy for me, so I really haven't had the time to sit down and collect my thoughts. If it wasn't for a couple of my real life friends who periodically read my journal, I probably wouldn't be updating right now lol. They have noticed that I haven't updated in a long time, so I figured what the hell, I might as well say a few things.
I don't even know where to begin. I guess I can start by saying that this semester in college was pretty good. It is finally over, so now I have a couple weeks to relax before I start my first summer class. I have been busting my ass so I can graduate next May. Whenever they say that Community Colleges are 2 year schools, it is the biggest crock of shit. In all reality, they are 3 year colleges because there are so many classes that have to be taken. So, I did my research, and as long as I take my two summer classes this summer, and complete my regular schedule in the fall and the spring, I will be graduating next May. Then I plan on transferring to Rutgers or Rowan University (leaning more towards Rutgers). Last semester I got on the Dean's list, and this semester, I think I got on it again. I'm not sure because I think Dean's list means you have an A- average. Right now I have a B+ average. In my English class I was the only one out of 43 students who took the final exam to get a 100%. So I am really proud of myself.
I guess the next big thing...well, the biggest thing that has happened to me is that my grandma passed away on Easter. I don't really know if I have said much about her in my journal, mainly because like most people, you take for granted those things that are always there, not realizing that within a second they can be gone. I might not have mentioned her much in my journal, but she was always a rose in my heart. The past 2 months prior to her death, she had gotten increasingly sick, which is probably another reason why I hadn't been on here updating. My family basically was running back and forth to the hospital, trying to get answers, keeping my grandma company. Here to find out she had cancer of the bone, and congestive heart failure. The pain made her delirious, and at times she forgot where she was, why she was in the hospital. But never did she forget who I or the rest of my family was. My mom was a basket case through alot of the visiting, where I was more calm. When I went into my grandma's hospital room, I tried being happy, and cheerful. I didn't want her to think anything was wrong, so I would joke around with her, bring her treats like Oatmeal cookies and stuff like that. I think the most memorable moment, the moment that I will never forget, is when my dad and brother went to the nurses station to ask a question, and I was with my grandma alone in her room. She was doing better that day, she wasn't as delirious. I asked my grandma, "Gram, do you remember the song At Last by Etta James? It's one of my favorite songs, and I want to play it at my wedding whenever I get married." My grandma looked at me and smiled, and suddenly started singing the song. Everytime I think of that moment I get chills, because for weeks my grandma had been in and out of delirium, and it was just weird that she remembered that song, and started singing it for me. That song has a new meaning now, and, maybe I'm a pussy, but I haven't listened to it since. I think I'm scared that I'm going to start crying, like I am doing now. One day hopefully I will have enough guts to listen to it again, and enjoy it like I did before.
Anyway, so, on Easter, me and my dad went to visit my grandma in the hospital. Over that weekend she had gotten worse. We had planned on taking her home that week, because the docs had basically said that the cancer was going to stay there, and at her age, doing an operation was out of the question. We basically wanted to see if we could get her a little more stable before we took her home, because over the weekend she had become congested, her lungs filled with fluid. So on Easter me and my dad went to see her. At this point she wasn't responding to any of us. I think she knew we were there, at times I would say her name, and her eye lids would flutter. I remember caressing her hair, which was always so soft, and saying, "Happy Easter, grandma. I love you." My dad bent over and kissed her head and said he loved her. We went home, and that night we got a phone call saying that she had passed away in her sleep. I was so shocked, and devastated. I never lost anyone that close to me before, and even though I knew her illness was terminal, there was nothing that could have prepared me for that moment. I hate when people say, "Oh she lived a long life," or "Oh, she is in a better place." It's like, is that supposed to make me feel better?? That woman gave me my first bath, taught me about the birds and the bees, taught me about church and God when I could have cared less about religion, taught me what it truly means to be a person that doesn't judge. The ONLY thing that I was RELIEVED about is the fact that she was in no more pain. That made me feel a bit better. My dad had come in my room later that night, when I was sobbing uncontrollably, and held me, and told me that her dying on Easter was symbolic. Even though I am not the biggest religious person, I agree. The point is, my grandma believed in god, and in my eyes she was a true believer, because she never judged anyone, she never forced me to go to church, never told me, "You're going to hell because you dont go to church" like my Aunt did. So if there really is a God up there, then I know my grandma is up there with him, and that is a comforting thought.
Anyway, it took almost 2 weeks to prepare for the funeral. In the meantime I had finals at school, so it was really hard to concentrate on them. My dad lost it at the funeral. I mean, really, my grandma was the only real living relative left that he was close to. So loosing his mother was really hard on him. Adria and Kelly were there for me. I didn't cry that day, it was weird because I thought I was going to, but I think my grandma was there, in the church, at the cemetary, looking down on me and giving me strength. It was just a real trying time for my family, especially the fact that I ended up meeting relatives that I never knew exsisted. I'll save that for another entry.
A few other big developments took place in my life. As most know, every semester I get a refund check in the mail from the financial aid that I didn't use throughout the semester. I was supposed to get back around $1500 dollars, and I was going to use that money to get a better car, and to pay for my summer classes. I ended up getting only $1100, and to make matters worse, my mom informs me that we are $1400 dollars behind on our electric bill. So, I had no choice but to give her a $1000 dollars so they wouldn't turn us off. Then she informs me that the cable bill is getting high because SOMEONE (my brother) ordered almost $300 dollars worth of porn. The cable bill and the phone bill are in MY name because my parents have horrible credit. So sure, why not make my credit bad to?? I told my mom that we need to start getting this shit under control because in a year or two I plan on moving out. I need to get away from all this stress, and I want to start making a life for myself. It seems like the longer I stay here, the more I get pulled down.
The only good thing that came out of that is one day when I was all upset, I called Adria, and Adria told me about how her mom knows this lady who works at a Bakery, and how she may be looking for help. Well, I jumped the fuck on that right away. The next morning I called the Bakery, asked for Patty, and told her how I knew Adria's mom, and that she informed me that the Bakery might be needing help. She immediately said yes and she had me in there the next day, working from 6:30am to 4:30pm. So yes, I have a job now thank God. And I actually like it. It isn't too hard, and the hours are reasonable. The only thing that bothers me is that I'm constantly on my feet, we really don't have official breaks. So sometimes when I come home my feet are killing me. I need to get some new sneakers.
Yesterday at work was messed up. I go into work at 11am, and the girls who worked the morning shift came in the back room and were like, "Are you going to be ok today?" and I was like, "Umm, yea I wouldn't I be?" Well, they informed me that I was going to be working with the biggest ditz in the world. This girl I was supposed to be working with 2nite never was trained properly, so I basically was closing the whole entire store by myself. Now, this was my fucking 4th day there, and I was fucking TRAINING that girl!!! She didn't know how to answer phones to take orders, she didn't know really how to use the cash register. We ended up getting slammed with people, and I was trying to take orders on the phone and get people out of the store while showing her what to do. Finally the managers all left, and basically I had to do inventory and close the store by myself today and it was only my 4th day working there!! So I was a little frustrated and pissed off. I'm going to have a little talk with Pattie my manager because I don't think that was right that I got stuck doing all that on my 4th day. I got a call this morning from the Bakery, and I instantly thought I forgot to do something last nite. But it turns out that they just wanted to know how I made out, and they said I did everything fine. So I was happy about that.
The only thing that came out good was that the woman I worked with has another job working at big concert places such as the First Union Center and the Spectrum. She gets to watch free shows and stuff while working, so she said they will be hiring more people in the fall, so she is going to be getting me an application.
I'm just really frustrated right now with everything. I've been thinking lately about what I can do to turn my life around, to make things easier on me. The only answer I can come up with is moving out of the house. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my brother with all my heart. They are my strength, but at the same time, they are a weakness. I am trying to make a life for myself, by going to college, but other then that I can't seem to get ahead. My parents are horrible with managing money, and my mom has a tendency of letting bills go until they are out of control. I think the real thing that bothers me is that my mom isn't taking me seriously. I'll be 21 next month, and I am trying to be responsible by doing things on my own. Here are a couple examples. One is making doctor appointments. My medical insurance is going to get cut off as soon as I turn 21. So I need to make doctor appointments, such the endocronologist and the gynocologist for my hormone problems. I keep telling my mom this, I have been telling her to get me the numbers, or show me where I can find the numbers, and I would call myself. Well, instead of her working with me, she says, "Oh, ill find them later for you." But later turns into a day, then 3 days, then a week. Today I find out some more bad news. I don't know if anyone remembers the problem I went through with my license and out i had to go to court and how I finally got my license restored? Well, today I decided to call the DMV because I got this feeling to do so. It was weird, my brother is going to driving school and my mom wanted to use my license to show the guy who was going to be teaching him how to drive. I told my mom not to do it, that I wanted to call to make sure everything was fine with it. Well, I call up, and finally got through. The woman tells me that my license is fucking suspended!! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?? I mean, I haven't gotten a ticket since I got my license restored!!! The lady told me to call Mantua Court House, which is where I supposedly have to go. So I did, and this other lady told me I was supposed to go to court on January 15, 2003 and that I never showed up. I told her that I went to court, and they told me to get my license restored. I also told her I never got anything in the mail saying I even had to go back to court! So she reads off this address to make sure it is mine, and here to find out it was my old mailing address!! I KNOW I gave them my new address!! So the lady told me that the only thing I can do is show up in court, explain the situation, and pay whatever the judge tells me to pay. I am so fucking pissed off though. It's like, I thought everything was taken care of, but SOMETHING told me to check. I mean, I guess that is good, because it would have sucked if I had gotten pulled over and found out that way. That would have sucked. So I have court on June 4th, which is the earliest they could schedule me for.
It seems that the only good thing going in my life (other then school and the health of my loved ones) is being with Paul. He is just about the only one who has been able to put a smile on my face lately. We may argue about stupid shit, but that never changes the way we feel about each other. We may be really pissed off at each other on the phone, but bet your ass we make sure we say we love each other before hanging up. Things are going to be changing soon in our relationship. Instead of us dealing with a long distance relationship, he will be moving in with me for awhile, until he gets a job. He just graduated from his college, so he has a couple more weeks to stay there. He just started working on his resume, and on June 3 he takes his driving test to get his license. After June 3rd he basically can leave, unless they want him to stay until his summer break which starts June 23. So either way, he will be leaving in June to go back to his mom's house in CT. From there he wants to pack his stuff, relax a few days, then me, Adria, and I believe her boyfriend are going to take a road trip to go get him in CT. So that should be fun. I already decided that once he is down here, and he gets a job, I'm not only going to be looking for a place for him, but looking for a place for US lol. I don't plan on moving in right away with him, but I do know that Paul offered for me to stay with him whenever I want. He knows how much stress I have been going through, and I think right now I just need a place to go to once and awhile to escape. Paul will provide that haven for me. =)
Anyway, here is a really sweet email he sent me today. Me and Paul had a weird conversation on the phone on Friday, about how he was feeling nervous about us, and how he didn't want to be a burden on my family once he is down here. He had me a little upset, because at this point in our relationship, we both are feeling doubtful and anxious since it has been almost 5 months since we have physically been together, so when he was telling me how he felt, the worst popped in my head, even though Paul wasn't breaking up with me. So he emailed me today, perhaps to put my mind at ease. So here it is:
Let me tell you about my night last night and my morning Today. Last night after I got off the phone with you, I started thinking about you. The longer I thought about you, the larger my smile grew. This is why...
I realized some things I hadn't realized before, not fully anyways. I've come to some conclusions...so listen. I apologize for ever doubting your love for me or loyalty to me, i know that your unlike anyone I've ever been with before...as I'm different than anyone you've ever been with before. You've got to be in love with me, that or insane...you've put up with my shit for so long. We're always honest with each other, even if the other person doesn't exactly care to hear what the other is saying. I know you love me, I know I love you, I know that we're both loyally devoted to one another. I only doubt because I'm insecure as are you, we're to groovy pees in a really far out pod man. We're exactly where we need to be, with each other. We're perfect together, we're not fooling anyone. I just want you to know your my little angel and I love you dearly. You will always be my little snugglebunnie.
Anyway, I woke up this morning sick and tired. And I had to go driving, I cannot drive while tired. It was horrible. Anyway I'm sick and tired. My train of thought just de-railed, so I'll talk to you later. I love you.
Yea so I thought that email was really nice. He makes me feel so good, all mushy inside. And also very horny, but I won't get into that right now lol. Anyway, I better get going now. I think I have written entirely too much as it is. I have more stuff to say, but I guess I will save it for another entry. For now, I want to thank Jamie and anyone else who has reminded me that I haven't updated my journal in forever. This was actually really good for me that I got some stuff off my mind. =)
P.S. I hope everyone on LJ is doing well B-)~