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Attention PLEASE! I am updating! [06 Sep 2005|09:28am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Okay, okay! I guess I owe everyone an explanation as to where the hell I have been...or why I haven't updated in FOReVeR! Well...to be honest, livejournal just does not hold the flame to my heart like it used to. I actually use myspace.com now, and on more then one occasion I thought about deleting this journal. I've been doing some updates on there, since it is not only a place to put a profile, but also can serve as a journal. BUT, I talked to Adria the other day, and she was telling me she created some sort of writing community, and then I got the thinking about LJ and how I haven't updated in forever...so I thought, what the hell! Why not say a few words and bring everyone up to date!

Well, it has been about a year! I guess I will start with the man in my life, since he is one of the most important things in my world. Things between Josh, my ex, and I didn't work out. Actually, things were going fine, but after I went and visited him in Ohio for a week, he started acting weird, and then ignored my phone calls. So after a month of him not contacting me or answering my calls, I took the hint that he was a selfish, cowardly asshole who didn't have enough balls to tell me that it was over between us(after I repeatedly told him to just be honest with me if things don't seem to be going right).

So, the first part of September was really depressing for me. I had to pick up my broken heart off the pavement AND start at a new school. I kept thinking to myself that there had to be something wrong with me, and I became sort of bitter and told myself that I wasn't going to fall so easily the next time someone came into my life. Well, that "someone" came into my life sooner then I expected, and when I least expected it (which is funny, because don't they normally say that you find love when you least expect it and when you aren't looking for it?).

It was at the end of September, and I had put a profile on a website that I had never seen before. I put on there that I was only looking for friends, etc, etc. And it just so happened that they were doing a special for one month only where the cost was $9.99. So I thought to myself, why the hell not? That way I could chat with different people instead of waiting for a person to contact me. That is how I met John. I was going through ads one night, and I saw his...and there was just something about him that made me email him. I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with his looks, but there was something about his looks that had my heart pumping. And it's pretty funny, because when we finally did start going out, a couple of my friends were like, "It looks like you got your Indian, Mia." It is just so funny that other people knew what my fantasy lover looked like, and how I actually got what I've always wanted, but never thought his type even exsisted, hehe.

My real close friends, or those from my childhood know that I have always had a fascination with Native American history, legends, art, and just the people in general. Hell, I think I was 14 when I first started reading Historical Romance novels, and you probably can guess they were Indian Romances. Well, when I saw the picture of John...my heart just start pounding, no lie! Even without reading his profile, I knew just by his pic that he was Native American-- so tall, with long black hair, and those eyes (shudders)...when I read his profile, it was quite simple, and actually, it's kinda funny because he also wasn't looking for a relationship-- he was looking for musicians to chat with. Even though I was attracted physically to him, my mind and heart were still far away, as if protected by some shield of armour.

It was almost like, after I found John, and contacted him, he had to do all the work in order to keep my interested lol. I know that sounds weird, but that last relationship really killed my spirits. I don't really know when I truly became interested, or realized that HE was really interested, but it was sometime in October. At that point we started talking on the phone, and he kept telling me how much he couldn't wait to take me to his house to introduce me to his family! Wow, like what guy do you know says that? Finally he came down to visit me and my family, and let me tell ya, my parents absolutely fell in love with him. By the second day my dad was calling him his future son-in-law! The chemistry between us was just amazing. Physically we were like magnets, and mentally, we learned that we liked and wanted the same things in life. Emotionally..he is very supportive and is there for me when I need him.

By November, we were still, "dating." He kept asking me out as his girlfriend, but to be quite frank, I was scared shittless! The main reason why was because he was just so perfect. I think it partially has to do with his age. He was 29 at the time (he is now 30), and was over his wild days. He was ready to settle down, find himself his future wife and mother of his children (which he kept telling me I was "the one" for him). And the thing is, I knew he was capable of being in a long term relationship because he had been single for two years before me, taking a break after his 8 year relationship with his ex girlfriend! It wasn't until one day after school that I finally realized that this guy really loves me, and if I don't take the chance at this, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life!

On that day I had my epiphany, I was driving home from school after a bad day. My mom called me on my cell phone and told me that this huge package came in from federal express for me. I was completely puzzled because I wasn't expecting anything. So when I got home, I opened the card, and it was from John. The card said, "There are no words on paper, nor paint on canvas that can express how much I love you." Here, he sent me flowers! Not just flowers, but 2 dozen long stem, thornless red roses!!!! I actually started to cry! I had NEVER gotten flowers before, let alone having them sent to me like that!

It was on November 25 that I told John I would be his girlfriend, lol. I don't think I have ever seen him so happy before. So since then, we have been together ^_^ He is just an amazing guy, romantic, sensitive, and an amazing lover-- everything that I had dreamed of in my soul mate, and I swear he is like one of the heroes out of my romance novels, hehe.

Now we are actually talking about marriage =) Well, we always knew we wanted to get married, he knew before I did that we would end up together, but now I can't help but get excited at the idea of being his wife. We were thinking about eloping, and then having our big wedding later, we shall see. I'll keep everyone posted!

Well, other then my relationship, school would be the other thing to update. I just got the papers in the mail telling me I am in my senior year at Rutgers U. So, I will be done in a year with my BA degree. I am planning on going to graduate school, but I don't want to do it at Rutgers. So I have been looking around at some schools. My friend Igor gave me a good idea. He lives in Pittsburgh, PA, which is real close to the University of Pittsburgh. I checked out some of their programs and I must say, I am impressed. So moving to Pittsburgh is an option, not only for me to go to school, but also for John to maybe go into business with Igor. They both love working and fixing up cars, so maybe they can get a business going. Plus, Igor lives in a 3 bedroom house which currently has two bedrooms empty. If they are still empty by next year, maybe me and John could move in. It's only $350 a month, and the house is big. It has 2 bathrooms, a basement, a nice size kitchen, living room, and dining room, and also has a small backyard. $350 a month is cheap, and a good price for us since we also want to save up so we can eventually buy ourselves a house. So, this is definitely a good option.

I'm still at the same job, but this summer I did an internship at an Art Gallery called Da Vinci Art Alliance on Catharine St. in Philadelphia. It was an amazing experience to be able to install shows, meet different artists, write reviews, etc. Now that I have this experience, I can hopefully use it for the future. I was even thinking about checking a few galleries around me and see if they needed help. They have to pay more then what I am making now!

Anyway, that is just about all I have to say for now. I do have some pics to share with everyone! And you can go

to visit my myspace profile, or go

to visit John's.

And here are some pics of my honey!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Aww, so shy!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Even more shy!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com There are those sexy eyes!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Aww, my honey was just getting over being sick in this pic. That is why he looks a little pale =-/ But he is still cute, hehehe.

2 fallen angels| love me onto death

Anybody Still Out There? [26 Jun 2004|01:13am]
Wow, what has it been, like a year since I have last updated this thing? Haha! Well, there is much to talk about, but I don't feel like being here all night explaining shit. So I am basically going to key in on the most important points.

I guess where I left off was my ex and I breaking up in September or so. Since then I have just been focusing on finishing school and working. It is now June, a day or so before my birthday. Damn, I can't believe I will be 22 on Sunday! That is just crazy. Anyway, in May I finally graduated college. I now have an associates degree in English which I plan on using very soon since my job is driving me crazy. It felt so good to go through the whole graduation procedure. Most of the people who have read my journal from the beginning know that I never got the chance to walk at my High School graduation, so this was a big thing for me. Plus, it was/is important because it took hard work to get to where I am at. I got into Rutgers University, so this fall I will be starting there to finish my BA and then my Masters degree. Since I am pulling a double major in English and Art History, it looks like I will have about 2 and a half to 3 years before I get my BA. If I had just gone on with majoring in just English, I would probably be done in a year and a half, since most of the classes I took at Gloucester County College transferred over. Many people think I'm nuts for doing a double major, but it is what I want to do, need to do. Something is telling me to go for it, I just have this good feeling about it. I know I am putting extra stress on myself, but I know I can do it. I am really excited about starting since Rutgers has an exellent English and Art department, so things should go well I hope.

Working at the pet store is just getting on my nerves. I thought that since I have a steady schedule and security I would just stay there for the next year or so while going to school instead of switching to a new job. But now I am not so sure. See, since I am on financial aid and EOF, I can't make too much money or else they can take my funding away. So working at the pet store is ideal since I really don't make that much. BUT, what annoys me is I have to work 4 or 5 days a week just to get a decent pay check to pay my bills. Really what I should do and what I think I am going to do is make a resume and see if I can find a job that pays more, but work less hours so I am not killing myself. I need to find a job where I can make the same pay by working less hours by being paid more. I have to face it, getting paid $6.25 an hour sucks ass. I need a job that pays like $8 or $9 dollars an hour. Now that I have a degree, I should be able to find something better. On top of that, my job just sucks anymore. I don't mind the work, it is the managers and how they handle shit. The last straw was just yesterday when I noticed my name was up on the point sheet. I got 5 points for not shutting a cage. But the thing is, I have no idea what cage it was, no one came up to me and confronted me about it. Don't you think it would make more sense to have a manager come up to you and ask you about it before giving me points for it? Maybe it wasn't my fault. I am very thorough when it comes to the animal cages. I can't even think what cage I could have left open. There are a few animals that are notorious for getting out. So maybe it wasn't my fault. It just pissed me off that no one told me or confronted me about it. Now I have to wait until Sunday to talk to the manager about it, because the managers that came in yesterday and today have no idea what happened because they were not there. Little shit like that annoys me. I am not a fucking little kid who needs a time out. I think the point system is retarded and childish. It is definitely time for a new job.

Well, I believe another important and good thing that is going on in my life is my new boyfriend, Joshua. I really wasn't looking to get back into a relationship, especially another long distance one. After Paul, I sorta set some guidlines for myself. After Christmas, like around January and February, I decided to just date. I told myself I wouldn't date anyone that was more then a 2 or 3 hours away. In talked to a few guys, but non that kept my interest or got my blood racing. In late March, late one evening I was on gothic personals, bored, and was just searching around. At that point I really hadn't been on GP because I had found a few others sites that were a little more realistic. Somehow I ended up on Joshua's profile. There was just something about him and what he had to say that pulled on my heart strings. First of all he was honest, well spoken, and straight forward. He was of a good age, 23 and educated. Physically wise he was exactly what I was looking for, which is strange because it seems that after dating short, skinny guys, I was looking for a man that was tall and stocky/muscular. Joshua is all of those things. I took a shot and responded to his ad. It was just to say hi and talk at first, but things got more serious between us. We talked for about 2 weeks and then suddenly I didn't hear from him for a week. In the meantime I had went on one final date with this other guy that turned out boring and very disappointing. One night after work, I just couldn't get Josh out of my mind. I even got worried. So I decided to give him a call since I had just gotten a cell phone with a decent long distance plan. He picked up, and he was like, "wow, did you just get my email?" And I was like, "What email? I am leaving work." He was like, 'Wow that is so weird. I just emailed you no more then a few mins ago. I just got home from the hospital today." Here to find out, Josh's lung had collapsed on him and he had been in the hospital for a week, unable to contact me. I think from that point on I knew it was fate, since I called him the day he got home, and he emailed me only moments before I called him. Ever since we have been talking, and finally he took a few days off and drove all the way from Ohio to here to spend several days with me. It was wonderful. There are really no words to describe how he made/makes me feel. He makes me feel beautiful, and sexy. He enjoys talking with me about anything and everything. He doesn't laugh at my interest in romance novels, and encourages me to write whatever inspires me. He compliments me constantly and makes me feel important. When I am in his arms he makes me feel safe and loved, and at other times hot and sexy. He is just a beautiful person, a good man who knows how to treat a woman right. He is responsible, independent, hard working. He is not afraid of hard work; in fact I think he works entirely too much. It makes me proud that I can actually say that he is mine and all I want to do is make him happy and love him and be there for him. After he left I sort of freaked out a bit. I got scared and a little depressed because of the long distance thing. I don't neccessarily think it is a bad thing right now, I just worry about when school starts. The fact that I will have to cut my hours down at work and also starting at a new school, pulling a double major...I don't know how I would ever get to go see him. And because he works alot, I can't expect him to visit me all the time. He told me that he is seriously considering putting money away and perhaps moving closer. I would love that, but again I hesitate because I don't want him to move for my sake. I know he doesn't like it in Ohio, and personally, since he has a certificate in Welding, I could see him getting a good job in NJ since we have alot of those kinds of jobs. I guess I just want him to be sure before he makes that kind of transition. He has to realize that he will be starting fresh, no friends, no family (he really doesn't get along with his family anyway). But I guess I just need to stop worrying about it and just take one day at a time. He has been on his own for a long time, so I know he is capable of making wise, mature decisions when it comes to his future. For now I am just going to enjoy being with him, and focus my thoughts on visiting him in August for a short little vaca before school starts back up.

Well, that is basically it. The only other interesting things going on in my life is my renewed interest in clay/sculpting. I am trying to get out of this writer's block and try to finish my fantasy novel. Josh gave me this awesome book on writing tips. I love it so much, I am so glad he gave it to me. It has articles on how to find time in your day to write, how to make your characters more 3 demensional, and even has a list of publishers in the back of the book. So I have been gettingf more inspired to write now which is good. As far as the art goes, for some reason I really want to get back into working with clay and sculpting. I like working with the firing, pre moistened clay, so I went on a hunt to get some prices. It sucks because they don't really sell clay in bulk. You have to buy 5 pound boxes, $8.99 each. That doesn't count tools and paints, plus finding a place to fire my pieces. Fucking crazy, eh? I tried getting ahold of my old art teacher from high school. I left a message on her voice box, so hopefully she will get back to me unless she already went on vaca. I just want to see if maybe she has a catalog I can order from or something.

Well, I guess that is just about it for now. I will try to keep this thing updated a little more frequently. I hope everyone is doing well.
8 fallen angels| love me onto death

Sorry For the Long Delay [19 Dec 2003|02:22am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Hello everyone. Again, sorry for not writing in here for awhile. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a journal, but than I remember how many times I've poured my heart in here when I felt all alone and I had no one to turn to. I realized that it doesn't matter how often I write in here. It's the fact that I can write when I feel the need to because it will always be here for me.

Well here is a brief update on what's been going on in my life. First is that Paul, my ex boyfriend has finally moved out. As I think I mentioned in the previous entry, Paul and I broke up. Things after that was going ok. He ended up getting a new girlfriend and so on. But then we started arguing all the time, we couldn't agree on anything. He started getting more selfish and needy. I'm a very independent person and also value my privacy. It seemed like every time I needed to get online to do homework, he would be online. It got to the point where I couldn't concentrate on my school work, and if I told him to do something so simple as to turn the tv volume down or turn the music off he would throw a fit like a little kid and get all pissed off. He was able to go to his girlfriends and fuck his brains out. If I wanted a guy over or even a friend I had to make all these plans because I always had to worry about him being there. It just got pretty damn ridiculous that it was my house, my room, and yet I couldn't have friends or a social life without talking it over with him. So finally I told him he had to go soon. He ended up getting fired from his job, and his mother and sister were being assholes (they were playing games him with. One minute they were telling him to come back to CT, the next thing they told him he couldnt come stay with them). So finally Paul's friend Julie offered for him to stay with her. So on Saturday he moved out and moved in with her. I don't want to sound mean or sound like a regret the time we had together. I think he is a great guy, but he just isn't for me, and I think he is a horrible person to live with. It was basically ruining our friendship. So now I can at least put some closure on that chapter of my life and move on.

So now that I am really single and I can move on, I find myself not really wanting a relationship. At least right now. I mean, yes I have been lonely, but at the same time I have been so busy with school and work that I really haven't had time for a social life. I just know that there are some qualities that I am going to be looking for when I started dating. Call me "high maintanence" or whatever you want, but I just can't take certain things anymore. For example, I need a MAN not a boy. A man that has a car and a license for one. Ok, maybe that sounds stupid or materialistic. Hey, I don't need a guy with a brand new car. All I am saying is that I'm tired of being the one who drvies to pick this one up and drives to pick that one up. What happened to the gentlemen who goes to pick up his lady to take her out to dinner? I'm tired of the excuses. They are just so damn lazy and irresponsible. I know there are the exceptions, like handicaps and some live in the city where there is public transportation. But in general, I would like a MAN who is able to drive. Another thing is a guy who has a good job, or is in school or has some sort of goals. I'm not looking for someone who is rich, just someone who is confident and wants to do something with himself. I also need a guy who is strong and independent, another words, a leader not a follower. Basically what it boils down to is I need a guy who is my equal. I think the problem is, men are intimidated by me. Yea, I know I am not all that attractive, but I think guys don't know how to handle a woman who is strong, enjoys college and her studies, and has no problem speaking her mind. I need a man who likes a strong, independent woman by his side. Am I asking for too much?

So the this semester is finally over. My grades look like this so far:
Philosophy: A
American Horror Literature: A
Oral Communication: A-
Political Science: C+
Environmental Science: don't know yet

So I did pretty damn good this semester although I was very surprised I got an A in Oral Communication. I thought for sure I had a B in that class. As far as Political Science goes...I am pissed off that I got a C+ but I am not complaining. The class was interesting, the professor gave us some valuable information, but his tests are insane and he grades way to harshly. I like a challenge but he makes it nearly impossible to get any decent grades in his class. I'm just glad it is over with. The main thing is I passed with a C+ so it shouldn't affect my GPA that much. I emailed my Environmental Science teacher, so hopefully I will find out tomorrow what I got in that class.

Yeah so I have one more semester and then I graduate. I really can't wait. I only have to take 4 classes next semester. The classes I chose are The Films of Alfred Hitchcock (considered an English class), Survey of African American Literature, Environmental Science II, and Religions of the World. My goal is to get straight A's next semester. Wish me luck, hehee.

So some more good news is I finally got myself a new car. It isn't brand new, but it is newer than any car I've had. It is a 1995 Chevy Cavalier, blue on the outside, with black interior. Very very nice car. I'm making payments on it from a dealership. I'm really proud of myself. The only thing is I'm stressing because I have to have $335 dollars by the day after Christmas. That basically covers sales tax, tags, and registration which once I give the dealership the money they will take care of all that stuff. It just sucks because now on my X-mas vacation I have to work all these extra hours and all that money goes out the window. I can't do any X-mas shopping for my family or friends. So I told everyone that I would be giving them "after X-mas" gifts lol. Sounds ghetto, but I can't help it.

I guess the reason why I am proud of myself is because I'm finally able to do things on my own. The car is MINE, I pay my own insurance, put gas in my car. I don't ask my parents for anything really. Even though I get stressed out, it is still such an uplifting feeling to be able to take care of myself. Now all I need to do is graduate, transfer to Rutgers University, get a better job, and get a place of my own...sounds easier said then done, but I'm a pretty determined person. It will happen one of these days.

Well, I am done jawing for now. My shoulders are killing me so I think it is time to go to bed. I have work tomorrow anyways. Need those extra hours. Until next time...

7 fallen angels| love me onto death

It's Been Awhile... [10 Sep 2003|12:35am]
Good evening everyone.

Sorry for the long delay in updating my journal. Alot of stuff has been going on in my life, some good things, some bad things, and 2nite I find myself unable to find rest. So I decided to jump on the ol' computer and see who was online. Unfortunately I didn't find anyone I felt like talking (except for Ryan, thanks sweetie *hug*) to so I figured that maybe typing out my frustrations may help a little.

Basically things were going pretty good for awhile. My boyfriend finally got here safely 2 months ago after finishing up his business at his school. He graduated from a computer tech school in Maine, and since he didn't have any place to live after school, we arranged it at my house where he would stay with me and my family until he found a job, got himself a car, and finally a place of his own.

My parents have been really impressed with him. He came down here and did exactly what he said he was going to do. Within two weeks he got himself a job working at Radioshack. Now, obviously it isn't the computer tech job he wanted, but it is something that has been getting him by and frankly, it pays pretty good. He gets commission and Paul is really good at making sales. So not too bad. So 2morrow I'm taking him to get his Maine state driver's license switched over to NJ state driver's license.

Anyway, moving along...in August I was busting my ass working doubles so I could come up with money to get car insurance. I made a deal with my mom's friend who had this car that I would make monthly payments with him to get the car. I have been in a desperate need of freedom. I am 21 years old, and I need to spread my wings. I need to be able to go out when I want to go out and wherever i want to go. And I can't do that by driving around in my parents car with no insurance. They just won't let me go where I want to go in fear that if I get into an accident, they will be up shit's creek. Which is completely understandable. So I basically saved up money, got car insurance in MY name, then started making payments to Tom for my car.

So now I have a car. After that stress, as luck would have it, last Wednesday, around 2am in the morning i started feeling this fucked up pain under my heart/back. Long story short, I was still feeling the pain by noon. So my mom rushed me to the hospital. After all the tests, they found out I had golstones in my golbladder. They told me it was a simple procedure to take out my golbladder. And it was, but after a another day and night in the hospital, I was still feeling fucked up pain, and I was throwing up non stop. They ran a couple more tests and found out that one of the golstones got stuck in my liver duct. So last Tuesday I had to go through another procedure where they take this scope that goes down your throat into your stomach and they use stuff to flush out the stone. Now they said it was going to be a 10 min to 45 min procude depending on my anatomy. WELL, they were in there an HOUR AND A HALF, because the stone was so huge. In the end, they didnt get it out. They had to use a stent to open up the passage way so they stone will pass. BUT because they fucked around so long down there, they ended up giving me pancreastitis, which causes severe pain, throwing up, etc. So I had to spend like two extra days in the hospital for that. So I got out Friday, missed 3 days of school, which really pissed me off. I basically am depressed. I mean I am catching up fine, but it just upsets me that everytime I try to get ahead, I have these health issues that knock me the fuck down. Like 2 years ago it was me breaking my leg. Before that was my back. Now it was all that shit, which really scared the shit out of me.

Now here is where Paul ties in. I basically broke up with him today. Maybe I am wrong, and bad and stupid for doing it but I think I did the right thing for me and him. The reason for breaking up with him are a few. I am going to say this, because this is the truth. Paul is a great guy. He is sensitive, and smart, and charming when he wants to be. He bought me beautiful roses when I was sick in the hospital. He has helped me with money such as giving me $100 bucks to get my car registered and tagged up. He really is good to me.But Paul can be very immature. For Example: When I was in the hospital one nite he calls me up and tells me he hates my cat Zoe, that my cat got locked in the bathroom and she shit in the bathroom. I'm like, "Umm, ok, why are you calling me?" I mean first of all the poor cat couldnt help it. She was locked in the bathroom, which I think HE did by accident since he is really the only one who uses the upstairs bathroom. Second of all, what can i do in the hospital? Like why call me up and yell, and get me upset? But then he has another side. He is very clingy. I have always valued myself as an independent person. I like to cuddle just like anyone else, but not 24 hours a day. For Example the first day I came home from the hospital, he is all over me, and mind you I was still in pain. They wanted me to stay another nite, but I refused because I was so tired of being in there. So I was laying on the couch, and Paul came over and wanted to sit next to me which was fine with me. I had my feet on a pillow. And he asked if I was using it. And I was like, um yea, im using the pillow to prop my legs up. Well he got up and was like WHATEVER, and stomped up the stairs. He throws these little fits. I was so pissed because all he had to do was sit by my feet. I never told him he couldn't sit near me. He is a great guy, but I just cant give him the affection that he needs. I need space, I need time for myself. It's like I just started school again, im a bit behind, and yesterday he tells me before I leave for school that when he gets home from work he wants to spend time with me. Now that is at 9:30pm at nite. And let me say that we made plans on going tot he movies on Friday nite so we COULD SPEND QUALITY TIME. I told him we will see because I knew I was going to be tired. I get up at 7:30am to get to my 9am class. I have three classes, I dont get home from school until like 2:30pm. He goes to work at 3pm. So I wasnt feeling good when I got home so I laid down for awhile. When I woke up my mom was like, "Paul called twice to see if you were doing your homework." Now that pissed me off because first of all i'll do my homework when I want to, and second the only reason why he wanted me to do my homework was so he can be up my ass when he got home. Which he did end up getting an attitude when he found out I had a couple chapters I had to read.

I broke it off because I want him to be with someone who can love him the way I can't, ya know? I rather just finish this year, graduate, and transfer to Rutgers University. I just want to be alone for awhile, or date a little. I just dont think im ready for a committed serious relationship right now, at least not with him. And now that I got a car, I want to do stuff. I mean, for example, at Ozzfest I ended up getting reunited with my old friend Mike Moore, the one who took me to Prom in High School and stuff. I also met up with his old bass play Q-Ball, well...his name is Elliot but we used to call him Q-Ball. Anyway, Mike has alot of shows, and so does Elliot, and now that I got my car on the road, I want to go to Philly and hang with him, like actually be a normal young adult, ya know? If I were to tell Paul that I was going to Philly without him to hang with my friend Mike, he would probably throw a fit. I also hung out with Timmy for awhile at Ozzfest. Same thing. What if I want to go hang with Timmy without Paul being there? I mean I wouldnt mind him being there, but there may be times when I want to go do things on my own, and lately I feel like I can't with him around me. Basically I am trying to say that it isn't just him. It is me. I just don't think I have the time, or the energy to carry on that kind of relationship while trying to finish school. I think I need a much needed break.

As far as solutions... I broke it off, we had a big talk 2nite. I don't know think he realizes out serious I am. Like after I spilled my guts for the second time, I was going to go downstairs for a drink. And he asks me if we could cuddle when I come back upstairs. Now, common sense tells should have told him no. Not because we aren't together anymore, but because I NEED SPACE!!! I know that friends sometime cuddle, which is fine. BUT HE KNOWS I NEED SPACE! So why ask to cuddle with me if part of the reason why I broke up with him was because I NEED SPACE?! *sighs*

So I gave him several options. Me and my family won't kick him out. I mean, no matter what I told him that he is welcome to stay until he gets a car and finds himself a place. He originally planned on saving up money through the winter and getting a place as soon as Spring came around. Not a bad idea since it would kind of stupid to move out dead of winter. But I also told him that maybe he could contact his sister in CT and maybe see if he could move in with her. His sister has her own 2 bedroom apartment with her boyfriend, and paul seems to get along with his sister and her boyfriend. I am not trying to push him out or get rid of him. My point is this: Paul doesn't seem to get it through his head that there are no great jobs around here. The best jobs are in the city, which is about 40 mins from me, or in towns like Cherry Hill which are aboutt he same distance. But he is stubborn, saying he doesnt want to live in the city, or near one, and how he wants to stay close to here. I feel like punching him sometimes because I'm afraid that if he stays around here they he won't make any friends, that he will live alone and be lonely and not find a good or better job then what he has. I mean he has a degree in computers for goodness sakes! He should go to the city, or a city like town that has good jobs, not be stuck here. Because let me tell ya, as soon as I graduate from Rutgers, im out of here. So I thought that by suggesting to live with his sister, maybe it would be better. He knows CT. I mean that is where is grew up. So he knows the people, I am sure he could make quick friends, and he has his sister at least. Doesn't that make sense? I dunno...

Anyway, that is basically it. I guess I just didn't know where to go with all my frustrations, so why not use the good ol' journal. I just hope I did the right thing. I think I did. I want to see Paul with someone who can love him and give him the affection he needs. And I need time alone, to focus on my school, focus on healing since I am still sick. I want to date eventually, instead of getting into a committed relationship right away. I want love, but I want it to grow in time, instead of rushing into things and getting emotions all mixed up. I think that this experience made me grow up in alot of ways. I always thought I was this real mature person, but I guess it just shows me how much growing up I still have.

Well, I think I am done rambling for now. For anyone who reads this, thanks for going on that emotional rollar coaster with me. =)
3 fallen angels| love me onto death

Grrr to Being a Girl! [22 May 2003|08:04pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Yup, that just about sums it up. It is times like these that I hate being a woman. Tomorrow I gotta go to the gynecologist, and put my feet in those cold stirrups, and let them poke and prod me with cold metal instruments. *shudders* I dred going, but I'm the one who made the appointment, and I know it is for the best. I need to get checked out, and I want them to do some blood work to check out my hormone levels and shit. I fucking called my endocrinologist to make an appointment with him also, and his fucking asshole of a wife gets on the phone and literally threatens me!! THREATENS ME?!! Damn little hindu woman!! (no offense to hindu people) She was all like, "You no show up to appointment, you pay $100 dolla!" I was like..."ummm, lady, I cant understand what your saying, and why the fuck would I cancel or not show up to an appointment when I NEED to desperately go to your husband because I have hormone problems and my fucking insurance runs out on my birthday which is June 27th!!!" Ok, well, I didn't say all THAT to her, but I basically told her to chill lol. Well, the cunt tells me the earliest she can fit me in is JUNE 26th!! That is the day before my birthday, and there is no way he can treat me that fast when my insurance runs out the next day! So I am really pissed off about that. I'm just going to go to the gyno 2morrow and tell her my situation. This lady is well reccomended, so I'm sure she will run some tests for me, as well as send me to a specialist if I need to go to one. Yea, so my appointment is at 11am, but I gotta be there like 15-20 mins early so I can fill out papers. So I gotta leave around 10am to get there. I just hope everything goes ok and that they dont hurt me. See, I think it is a big crock of shit when people are like, "It's no different then having a guy touch you down there." THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE! DAMNIT!! GRRRR!!!

Anywho, moving on lol. My summer class starts next Tuesday. I'm happy in a way because I just want to get the damn Math over with, but at the same time, now that my license is suspended until June 4th because of the COURT's FAULT, I am not exactly sure how I am getting to school for next week. I know me and Adria usually go together, but I feel bad asking her to drive for that week. Well, 4 days. THANK GOD IT IS ONLY FOR 4 DAYS A WEEK! At the same time, I remember driving her around alot when she needed a ride, so I shouldnt feel so guilty. Adria has been really kewl with my current driving perdicament, so I'm just gonna ask her whenever I see her if we can work something out for next week. By June 4th I should have my license straightened out so I'm not too worried. Maybe my mom can take me to school, I dunno. All I know is I DONT want to get caught driving while my license is suspended. I already got caught that one time, and I ended up getting arrested for it. So, I'll work something out.

Yea so me and Kelly went to Walmart last nite. She had to go get a card for her mom and grandma, so she asked me to go with her so she wouldnt be alone. While we were there I went baby kitty shopping =). Since my baby Valdimir ran away, I have been really lonely without him. So one of Adria's cats had kittens, and I picked out one a few weeks ago. Well, the mommy kitty ended up getting hit my a car and dying, so I am taking my baby kitty this weekend. She is so cute =). I ended up buying her a silver walk in litter box with a matching silver food bowl. It really looks gothy. YES I SAID GOTHY ADRIA! HA! lol. Yup, Adria made fun of me when I told her it looks gothy. She was like, "Ok, Mia you went to far! A Gothic litter box??" But it is true lol. It matches my room too! So all I gotta do is get her some food, and some toys, and she should be set. I'm all excited! I'm probably going to be talking about her all weekend at work. I think they already think im weird at the Bakery. Oh well lol.

Yea....so....OH! This is pretty kewl but not a definite yet. Awhile ago my mom's friend Anita told us about a house for rent down the street from her. The rent is like $500 dollars, and I think it is a 3 bedroom house. Now, we have a 2 bedroom house and we are paying $800 dollars! Anywho, my mom must have told my dad about it last nite and my dad got all excited. It's not that he doesnt like it here, it is just that the rent is expensive PLUS the bills. If we can move into a house that is about the same quality or better, PLUS cheaper rent, then why not move? It would be alot easier for us to make the bill payments and stuff. Because right now we are struggling. So today me and my mom went to Anita's because my mom had to give Anita a ride to get some medication (she had gotten into a bad car accident which caused her to have two broken legs). We stopped at the house for rent, and tried looking into the windows. It looks really nice. The backyard is huge, there is a nice size garage. The house itself is pretty nice from what we could see. The kitchen is really big, the living room is about medium size. I know there is a bathroom downstairs and I know there is a basement. There is also a front room downstairs. As for the upstairs, we really can't tell if there is 2 or 3 bedrooms. I got a feeling there are only two. If there are two, my mom said said that I can pick whatever room I wanted upstairs, since I ended up getting stuck in my little room here because of my brother and because I ended up breaking my leg. So this time around I get to pick whatever bedroom I want, and my mom said that my brother would get the front room, or my parents would take the front room since they are weird and dont like going upstairs anyway. So I am pretty kewl with that. So basically we put a note on the door, saying we are interested in renting the place. Hopefully the landlord will call us back soon. My mom is all excited, even though we are trying not to get our hopes up. But it would really be a relief if we did move there.

Anywho, so my boyfriend emailed me his resume today. He wanted me to proof read it and stuff. It sounds really good. =) I am really proud of him. He told me he got his B level certificate today, so he is all finished with everything. For the next couple of weeks he is going to be practicing driving and practicing for his A+ test. Other then that, he just gets to relax. Lucky him, hehe. Soon my love bunny will be in my arms, I can't wait to molest him >=P

Okies, well, I am done rambling on for now. Ta ta!

2 fallen angels| love me onto death

Caution: Long Entry [19 May 2003|08:41pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Hello everyone. I know it has been a long time since I last updated. The past couple of months have been busy for me, so I really haven't had the time to sit down and collect my thoughts. If it wasn't for a couple of my real life friends who periodically read my journal, I probably wouldn't be updating right now lol. They have noticed that I haven't updated in a long time, so I figured what the hell, I might as well say a few things.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I can start by saying that this semester in college was pretty good. It is finally over, so now I have a couple weeks to relax before I start my first summer class. I have been busting my ass so I can graduate next May. Whenever they say that Community Colleges are 2 year schools, it is the biggest crock of shit. In all reality, they are 3 year colleges because there are so many classes that have to be taken. So, I did my research, and as long as I take my two summer classes this summer, and complete my regular schedule in the fall and the spring, I will be graduating next May. Then I plan on transferring to Rutgers or Rowan University (leaning more towards Rutgers). Last semester I got on the Dean's list, and this semester, I think I got on it again. I'm not sure because I think Dean's list means you have an A- average. Right now I have a B+ average. In my English class I was the only one out of 43 students who took the final exam to get a 100%. So I am really proud of myself.

I guess the next big thing...well, the biggest thing that has happened to me is that my grandma passed away on Easter. I don't really know if I have said much about her in my journal, mainly because like most people, you take for granted those things that are always there, not realizing that within a second they can be gone. I might not have mentioned her much in my journal, but she was always a rose in my heart. The past 2 months prior to her death, she had gotten increasingly sick, which is probably another reason why I hadn't been on here updating. My family basically was running back and forth to the hospital, trying to get answers, keeping my grandma company. Here to find out she had cancer of the bone, and congestive heart failure. The pain made her delirious, and at times she forgot where she was, why she was in the hospital. But never did she forget who I or the rest of my family was. My mom was a basket case through alot of the visiting, where I was more calm. When I went into my grandma's hospital room, I tried being happy, and cheerful. I didn't want her to think anything was wrong, so I would joke around with her, bring her treats like Oatmeal cookies and stuff like that. I think the most memorable moment, the moment that I will never forget, is when my dad and brother went to the nurses station to ask a question, and I was with my grandma alone in her room. She was doing better that day, she wasn't as delirious. I asked my grandma, "Gram, do you remember the song At Last by Etta James? It's one of my favorite songs, and I want to play it at my wedding whenever I get married." My grandma looked at me and smiled, and suddenly started singing the song. Everytime I think of that moment I get chills, because for weeks my grandma had been in and out of delirium, and it was just weird that she remembered that song, and started singing it for me. That song has a new meaning now, and, maybe I'm a pussy, but I haven't listened to it since. I think I'm scared that I'm going to start crying, like I am doing now. One day hopefully I will have enough guts to listen to it again, and enjoy it like I did before.

Anyway, so, on Easter, me and my dad went to visit my grandma in the hospital. Over that weekend she had gotten worse. We had planned on taking her home that week, because the docs had basically said that the cancer was going to stay there, and at her age, doing an operation was out of the question. We basically wanted to see if we could get her a little more stable before we took her home, because over the weekend she had become congested, her lungs filled with fluid. So on Easter me and my dad went to see her. At this point she wasn't responding to any of us. I think she knew we were there, at times I would say her name, and her eye lids would flutter. I remember caressing her hair, which was always so soft, and saying, "Happy Easter, grandma. I love you." My dad bent over and kissed her head and said he loved her. We went home, and that night we got a phone call saying that she had passed away in her sleep. I was so shocked, and devastated. I never lost anyone that close to me before, and even though I knew her illness was terminal, there was nothing that could have prepared me for that moment. I hate when people say, "Oh she lived a long life," or "Oh, she is in a better place." It's like, is that supposed to make me feel better?? That woman gave me my first bath, taught me about the birds and the bees, taught me about church and God when I could have cared less about religion, taught me what it truly means to be a person that doesn't judge. The ONLY thing that I was RELIEVED about is the fact that she was in no more pain. That made me feel a bit better. My dad had come in my room later that night, when I was sobbing uncontrollably, and held me, and told me that her dying on Easter was symbolic. Even though I am not the biggest religious person, I agree. The point is, my grandma believed in god, and in my eyes she was a true believer, because she never judged anyone, she never forced me to go to church, never told me, "You're going to hell because you dont go to church" like my Aunt did. So if there really is a God up there, then I know my grandma is up there with him, and that is a comforting thought.

Anyway, it took almost 2 weeks to prepare for the funeral. In the meantime I had finals at school, so it was really hard to concentrate on them. My dad lost it at the funeral. I mean, really, my grandma was the only real living relative left that he was close to. So loosing his mother was really hard on him. Adria and Kelly were there for me. I didn't cry that day, it was weird because I thought I was going to, but I think my grandma was there, in the church, at the cemetary, looking down on me and giving me strength. It was just a real trying time for my family, especially the fact that I ended up meeting relatives that I never knew exsisted. I'll save that for another entry.

A few other big developments took place in my life. As most know, every semester I get a refund check in the mail from the financial aid that I didn't use throughout the semester. I was supposed to get back around $1500 dollars, and I was going to use that money to get a better car, and to pay for my summer classes. I ended up getting only $1100, and to make matters worse, my mom informs me that we are $1400 dollars behind on our electric bill. So, I had no choice but to give her a $1000 dollars so they wouldn't turn us off. Then she informs me that the cable bill is getting high because SOMEONE (my brother) ordered almost $300 dollars worth of porn. The cable bill and the phone bill are in MY name because my parents have horrible credit. So sure, why not make my credit bad to?? I told my mom that we need to start getting this shit under control because in a year or two I plan on moving out. I need to get away from all this stress, and I want to start making a life for myself. It seems like the longer I stay here, the more I get pulled down.

The only good thing that came out of that is one day when I was all upset, I called Adria, and Adria told me about how her mom knows this lady who works at a Bakery, and how she may be looking for help. Well, I jumped the fuck on that right away. The next morning I called the Bakery, asked for Patty, and told her how I knew Adria's mom, and that she informed me that the Bakery might be needing help. She immediately said yes and she had me in there the next day, working from 6:30am to 4:30pm. So yes, I have a job now thank God. And I actually like it. It isn't too hard, and the hours are reasonable. The only thing that bothers me is that I'm constantly on my feet, we really don't have official breaks. So sometimes when I come home my feet are killing me. I need to get some new sneakers.

Yesterday at work was messed up. I go into work at 11am, and the girls who worked the morning shift came in the back room and were like, "Are you going to be ok today?" and I was like, "Umm, yea I wouldn't I be?" Well, they informed me that I was going to be working with the biggest ditz in the world. This girl I was supposed to be working with 2nite never was trained properly, so I basically was closing the whole entire store by myself. Now, this was my fucking 4th day there, and I was fucking TRAINING that girl!!! She didn't know how to answer phones to take orders, she didn't know really how to use the cash register. We ended up getting slammed with people, and I was trying to take orders on the phone and get people out of the store while showing her what to do. Finally the managers all left, and basically I had to do inventory and close the store by myself today and it was only my 4th day working there!! So I was a little frustrated and pissed off. I'm going to have a little talk with Pattie my manager because I don't think that was right that I got stuck doing all that on my 4th day. I got a call this morning from the Bakery, and I instantly thought I forgot to do something last nite. But it turns out that they just wanted to know how I made out, and they said I did everything fine. So I was happy about that.

The only thing that came out good was that the woman I worked with has another job working at big concert places such as the First Union Center and the Spectrum. She gets to watch free shows and stuff while working, so she said they will be hiring more people in the fall, so she is going to be getting me an application.

I'm just really frustrated right now with everything. I've been thinking lately about what I can do to turn my life around, to make things easier on me. The only answer I can come up with is moving out of the house. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my brother with all my heart. They are my strength, but at the same time, they are a weakness. I am trying to make a life for myself, by going to college, but other then that I can't seem to get ahead. My parents are horrible with managing money, and my mom has a tendency of letting bills go until they are out of control. I think the real thing that bothers me is that my mom isn't taking me seriously. I'll be 21 next month, and I am trying to be responsible by doing things on my own. Here are a couple examples. One is making doctor appointments. My medical insurance is going to get cut off as soon as I turn 21. So I need to make doctor appointments, such the endocronologist and the gynocologist for my hormone problems. I keep telling my mom this, I have been telling her to get me the numbers, or show me where I can find the numbers, and I would call myself. Well, instead of her working with me, she says, "Oh, ill find them later for you." But later turns into a day, then 3 days, then a week. Today I find out some more bad news. I don't know if anyone remembers the problem I went through with my license and out i had to go to court and how I finally got my license restored? Well, today I decided to call the DMV because I got this feeling to do so. It was weird, my brother is going to driving school and my mom wanted to use my license to show the guy who was going to be teaching him how to drive. I told my mom not to do it, that I wanted to call to make sure everything was fine with it. Well, I call up, and finally got through. The woman tells me that my license is fucking suspended!! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?? I mean, I haven't gotten a ticket since I got my license restored!!! The lady told me to call Mantua Court House, which is where I supposedly have to go. So I did, and this other lady told me I was supposed to go to court on January 15, 2003 and that I never showed up. I told her that I went to court, and they told me to get my license restored. I also told her I never got anything in the mail saying I even had to go back to court! So she reads off this address to make sure it is mine, and here to find out it was my old mailing address!! I KNOW I gave them my new address!! So the lady told me that the only thing I can do is show up in court, explain the situation, and pay whatever the judge tells me to pay. I am so fucking pissed off though. It's like, I thought everything was taken care of, but SOMETHING told me to check. I mean, I guess that is good, because it would have sucked if I had gotten pulled over and found out that way. That would have sucked. So I have court on June 4th, which is the earliest they could schedule me for.

It seems that the only good thing going in my life (other then school and the health of my loved ones) is being with Paul. He is just about the only one who has been able to put a smile on my face lately. We may argue about stupid shit, but that never changes the way we feel about each other. We may be really pissed off at each other on the phone, but bet your ass we make sure we say we love each other before hanging up. Things are going to be changing soon in our relationship. Instead of us dealing with a long distance relationship, he will be moving in with me for awhile, until he gets a job. He just graduated from his college, so he has a couple more weeks to stay there. He just started working on his resume, and on June 3 he takes his driving test to get his license. After June 3rd he basically can leave, unless they want him to stay until his summer break which starts June 23. So either way, he will be leaving in June to go back to his mom's house in CT. From there he wants to pack his stuff, relax a few days, then me, Adria, and I believe her boyfriend are going to take a road trip to go get him in CT. So that should be fun. I already decided that once he is down here, and he gets a job, I'm not only going to be looking for a place for him, but looking for a place for US lol. I don't plan on moving in right away with him, but I do know that Paul offered for me to stay with him whenever I want. He knows how much stress I have been going through, and I think right now I just need a place to go to once and awhile to escape. Paul will provide that haven for me. =)

Anyway, here is a really sweet email he sent me today. Me and Paul had a weird conversation on the phone on Friday, about how he was feeling nervous about us, and how he didn't want to be a burden on my family once he is down here. He had me a little upset, because at this point in our relationship, we both are feeling doubtful and anxious since it has been almost 5 months since we have physically been together, so when he was telling me how he felt, the worst popped in my head, even though Paul wasn't breaking up with me. So he emailed me today, perhaps to put my mind at ease. So here it is:


Let me tell you about my night last night and my morning Today. Last night after I got off the phone with you, I started thinking about you. The longer I thought about you, the larger my smile grew. This is why...

I realized some things I hadn't realized before, not fully anyways. I've come to some conclusions...so listen. I apologize for ever doubting your love for me or loyalty to me, i know that your unlike anyone I've ever been with before...as I'm different than anyone you've ever been with before. You've got to be in love with me, that or insane...you've put up with my shit for so long. We're always honest with each other, even if the other person doesn't exactly care to hear what the other is saying. I know you love me, I know I love you, I know that we're both loyally devoted to one another. I only doubt because I'm insecure as are you, we're to groovy pees in a really far out pod man. We're exactly where we need to be, with each other. We're perfect together, we're not fooling anyone. I just want you to know your my little angel and I love you dearly. You will always be my little snugglebunnie.

Anyway, I woke up this morning sick and tired. And I had to go driving, I cannot drive while tired. It was horrible. Anyway I'm sick and tired. My train of thought just de-railed, so I'll talk to you later. I love you.

Yea so I thought that email was really nice. He makes me feel so good, all mushy inside. And also very horny, but I won't get into that right now lol. Anyway, I better get going now. I think I have written entirely too much as it is. I have more stuff to say, but I guess I will save it for another entry. For now, I want to thank Jamie and anyone else who has reminded me that I haven't updated my journal in forever. This was actually really good for me that I got some stuff off my mind. =)

P.S. I hope everyone on LJ is doing well B-)~

7 fallen angels| love me onto death

Falling In Love Is Painful [28 Feb 2003|10:32pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Hello everyone.

I know it has been quite a long time since I have updated this thing. I am not online as much as I used to be. The only time I come online is to check my email or to do some research for school. I really haven't had much to complain about. My life has been pretty good, although I am really lonely. I miss my boyfriend Paul alot, and I am counting down the days until we will finally be together.

Paul only has 2 or 3 more months at Job Corps in Maine. He wants to transfer to Edison Job Corps center, which is in New Jersey so he can be closer to me, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen. He filled out the paperwork, but there are a few things he has to finish in the Maine Job Corps before he can transfer down here. So, if he gets accepted at the Edison JC, he could be tranfering in April down here, depending on if he finishes up what they want him to finish. But by May, he will definitely be down here, no matter what. We both can't wait.

Paul coming into my life has been one of the best things to happen to me. I truly know what it feels like to be loved, and wanted, to feel desirable and sexy. I am no longer a little girl, but a woman. After Paul left in December to go finish his education, I was scared that things were going to change, that we wouldn't be able to keep a long distance relationship going. I was wrong. Although we miss each other really bad, we make it work. We email each other everyday, and we talk on the phone on the weekends or whenever we can get a chance. Sometimes I will call Paul out of the blue, and when he gets on the phone, he is like, "I was just thinking about calling you." He has all these plans of us being together, doing things together once he is down. He wants to spoil me and give me the kind of love that I have never had before. I'm falling so in love with him, and it may sound crazy, but it actually hurts. I'm scared to death that something is going to come along and fuck things up, but I have to take the risk. I can't let this wonderful person walk out of my life.

I know that the hardest part will be when he is finally down here and finds himself a place and a job. Alot of my friends are being my voice of reason. They fear that once he is down here and we begin seeing each other on a daily basis, we might end up hating each others guts. But deep down I know this won't happen. Paul feels the same way. We didn't rush into this relationship. We have known each other for almost 6 months, but only made it official in December. We were friends first, allowing ourselves to get to know each other. And we only made it official when he came down for a week to see me. We knew that night that what we felt for each other was real, and it was worth seeing what happens. I think once he is down here, we are going to be glued to each other, at least for awhile.

All I think about is the time we shared when he was down here. I miss him so much, that late at night, before I fall asleep, I remember him laying next to me, holding me, kissing me, telling me he loves me, and that I am it for him. I would be a fool not to hold onto him, put my trust and faith into him, into our relationship. Maybe I will get my heart broken, but loving him is well worth the risk.

Today we have been going out for two months. Usually the guys that I have dated have only lasted a month or two, but with Paul it is different. Where the other guys were scared to make a commitment, tell me how they felt about me, or even acknowledge the fact that we were a couple, Paul makes sure I know that he is thinking about me, and us. Even though we have only been going out for technically two months, he knows how important it is to me since I have had shitty past relationships. He knows I never had a true relationship. He goes out of his way to call me and wish me a happy anniversary, even though it has only been two months. It makes me feel special, knowing he cares about me that much to remember something so trivial. Earlier this week he sent me a package in the mail with a bunch of little surprises. Surprisingly it arrived here today. It was perfect to get the package today. I was so excited and happy. He sent me a bunch of little things, like a Jimi Hendrix patch, A Perfect Circle pin, A NIN's sticker, two condom key chains, a purple spiked bracelet, and a cd he burnt for me with a bunch of songs he felt are related in some way to our relationship. He called me about an hour after I got home from classes and asked me if I got his package. I thanked him over and over again, and he just said it was nothing, that he cant wait to get down here and make real money so he can spoil me with bigger and better gifts. I told him I'd love whatever he got me because it came from him. Then of course he told me he loved me and called me his snuggle bunny. Yes, that is the nickname he calls me lol. I tell ya for a goth girl and a metal head, we are just about the mushiest couple ever created.

Anyway, I just felt like writing about Paul because I miss him alot, and I want everyone to know what a wonderful person he is. He decided to spend the weekend at his roomate's house, so I probably wont talk to him until Sunday. Below I decided to post a pic of me and him from New Years eve. As you can see, he mixed me a drink with some sort of alcohol and orange juice. It was quite tasty =P Anyway, enjoy =)

7 fallen angels| love me onto death

Clone Your Lover... [11 Jan 2003|10:02pm]
Dearest Journal:

Yes, I know it has been a damn long time since I've been on this thing. So, I am sorry to anyone who actually reads my entries. I've had alot going on in general, and I haven't really had the urge to come online that much over the X-mas break. But here I am and I will try to briefly go over a few important points in my life so far...

Well one, before I get into anything, WHAT THE FUCK is UP with the whole cloning people now?! I mean, it's fucking illegal, and yet they let the people get away with it! I mean, I am not saying they should go terminate the clone baby, that is just immoral and it's not her fault. But those people don't fucking realize how fucked up of a life that child will probably have. It will grow up as a fucking walking, talking experienment. Most likely people will want to do tests on her, and knowing how cruel kids are, she will be made fun of in school. I dislike people who don't think of all the consequences before they go out and do something. I love children, and it pisses me off that that baby will probably grow up all fucked up (mentally). Blah, I am done with that subject for now.

Anyway, I guess I will start right before X-mas. About a week before X-mas, I got my refun check in the mail from school. Instead of going out and buying a new car like I had hoped, I lent my mom some money. Basically my dad's unemployment ran out and they wouldn't give him an extension. So it was right before X-mas, and my mom needed some money to help him get presents and pay some bills. I didn't have a problem with that. Well, I started thinking to myself that since they don't have much money, they probably won't be able to get everything that I want to fix up my room. So, with my own money, I bought myself a new plush carpet, a new big bed, a computer chair and other small stuff. So on X-mas, I basically got a new stereo, my dad bought me my entertainment center for my tv and stereo, and I got some new clothes and Legend the Ultimate Edition on DVD. I didn't get much, but I liked what I got. SO basically, me and my mom worked out a payment plan. She is going to pay me back weekly I guess. I was not mad or anything because we were going through a rough time. So when I get another check at the end of the school year, that money will be MINE.

So, me and Adria went to see Lord of the Rings: Two Towers opening day. It was fucking kick ass. I have been totally swept away by that whole fucking story. All I think about is how one day I want one of my stories to be made into an epic movie like that. I am currently reading the book. I started it awhile ago, but I stopped. So I picked up where I left off. It's pretty damn good. I am quite amazed how Peter Jackson (director of LOTR) carefully chose parts of the book and dialogue and made it into a wonderful movie without chopping up the book. He did a kick ass job. Tommorrow my dad and mom are going with me to see the movie again. I literally had to beg my dad to go because he doesn't like going to the movies. But he loved the first one, and I told him it is worth seeing the second one on the big screen. Me and my mom went to this little store down the street from us called Snerts.

Anywho, so I am a pretty happy girl. Paul, the guy who I have been talking to online and on the phone since October, finally came and visited me for a week. He came down on Saturday the 28th of December, and left on Friday the 3rd of Jan. He is just amazing. He is totally different from all the other guys I have dated. One of the first things he said to me was...we had to stop at a store to get my mom something. So he wanted to come in with me. As we were walking into the store, he stopped me, looked deep into my eyes, and said, "Yup, you're just as beautiful as I thought you were." I was speechless. The whole time he was down, I felt special, loved, and felt...well, desirable. I didn't feel like a piece of meat. It wasn't about sex. He likes me because I'm intelligent, and because I have goals. He kept telling me I'm beautiful, and he made me feel that way. He gave me compliments...I just don't know what else to say. I finally felt like a whole woman. Someone desirable, and capable of being loved for being myself. I didn't have to put on tons of makeup, or where a skirt or dress to impress him. He just wanted me to be me. Anyway, I had a really nice time. We did argue a little, but it was just bickering. He told me, "Honey, I can sometimes be stubborn, I can sometimes be an asshole, but just remember when I get into my moods, I still and always will lvoe you." So, when we are on the phone, and he says, "Man, I can be such an asshole." I say, "yea, you can be, but I still love ya." So, he left...went back home for a couple days, then he went back to school in Maine. Yes, we are an item. We basically decided to jsut take things as they come. We know that if we can make it over this 5 to 6 month period of not seeing each other, then we will be ok. He plans on being done school by June, no later the July. So I should be seeing him again sometime in the summer. He plans on moving to NJ once he saves some money so he can afford an apartment down here. Of course he will need to find a job here as well, but he should have his education done, so it shouldn't be a problem. Yup, so I am a happy girl. I try not to let myself think negatively. Things have been going pretty well for me, so I am just going to enjoy having Paul in my life. =)

As for school, I am having a pretty good time. I got my report card in the mail for my first semester. I got 3 A's and a B! I start next semester on Thursday. This evening I went to Berlin auction to get my notebooks and folders for classes. On Tuesday me, Adria, and Kelly are going up to school to get our books. This semester I have Survey of World Literature, General Psychology, Nutrition, Music Appreciation, and History of Western Civilization II. So, I will have probably lots of homework. My goal is to get straight A's this semester. I know I can do it, I just won't have no life for awhile lol.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing ok. I promise to update more often! *hugs*
1 fallen angel| love me onto death

I'm Alive! [01 Dec 2002|12:11pm]
[ mood | busy ]

Hello Journal:

Yes, I know it has been a long time since I have updated. Again, I have been pretty damn busy with school work, and I really haven't felt motivated to write in here. I've missed everyone, I feel like a stranger. Well, this is what has been going on.

Everything with my license is pretty much squared away. After I show up to my next court date, I can go get my license restored. So I should have everything taken care of before Christmas. I can ride around without worrying I might get pulled over by a cop.

Another cool thing is, I should be getting a check for $1400 bucks in the mail soon from my school. Because I have financial aide, and I didn't need to use all of it, every semester I will be getting a check with the money that wasn't used. So this semester I am getting $1400, and next semester I will be getting close to $1500. I am going to be a good girl and put the like $1200 in the bank and hold onto $200. I figure I can do my Xmas shopping, since I don't have that many friends and family. And, I can do one thing for myself. I can get these boots that I have been wanting for a long time. Yea so, I figure this is a perfect time to save up. By the time I get out of Gloucester County College, if I put at least a $1000 away each semester, I should have $6000 bucks set aside. That's not counting the money I will earn from a job, which I plan on getting one soon. I am going to go to the office 2morrow and see if this Lady, Kathy Leader, can hook me up with a job at the school. By the end of my three years at that school, I can get myself a place. So we shall see.

My love life has taken a turn for the better, or at least I hope. Ok, let me start from the beginning. In October I got an email from this guy named Paul. Ever since then we have been talking non stop. I really like him, he is very different from the guys I've been around. He is intelligent, he is going to school in Maine, he is originally from CT. He is very cute, short, but strong, and confident. He makes me feel special, and beautiful, despite my low self esteem. So every weekend I call him, since I have this free weekend plan on my phone. He is coming to see me this Month. He goes home on December 19th, and he is going to buy a bus ticket and come stay with me from the 29th to Jan 3rd I think. There is really not much more to say. I just hope things work out this time. I think I have been handling this online relationship a little better. I don't have my heart on the line like I did with other previous guys. I made it clear to Paul that school is very important to me, and that I don't want to label our "relationship" until we have met. Right now we are friends, and he has agreed. So I feel alot better about the whole thing. He did write me this beautiful short story, about me being his vampiress. He is really big into vampires, maybe next entry I will post the story =)

Anyway, I better get going. I have had so much fucking homework to do. I finished my Art project on Friday night. I then got my Sociology book critique finished. Now I am working on my English paper. The First Draft is due on Tuesday but I want to get it done now. Oh, below is a pic of me that Adria took. I know most of you haven't seen full body pics of me. Well, there you go lol.

11 fallen angels| love me onto death

Die Mia, Die [31 Oct 2002|05:18pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Okay, I am going to bitch in here, so if no one wants to listen to me bitch, then please skip over this entry.

Basically I haven't had a whole lot of time, or motivation to write in here. Nothing has been really going on except for school. Oh, I found out that my car is a piece of shit and the guy who we bought it from sold us a "lemon." So, we are going to either trade it in, or just sell it on the side of the road and get a better one. The good thing is, my dad has his car. All it needs is insurance and registration, and one part to fix it completely. So, I am not too upset about that.

I had a really nice time last weekend. My friend Gabriel came over on Saturday. That night we went to a "Haunted woods." It sucked major ass. We totally weren't scared, I had to pay a dollar for parking. WHAT THE FUCK?! I mean, we weren't even there a half hour. But at least we had some laughs and we can look back on it and make fun. So then when we got back, we cuddled up in my bed and watched the Documentary on Hurt Cobain and Courtney Love. Courtney sucks cock. I mean, now that I see what a coniving bitch she is (I knew before, but now I am more convinced) I realized that maybe she DID hire someone to kill Kurt. Either way, she is a cunt, and I know I shouldn't wish ill on her or anyone, but I hope the bitch gets hers. Anyway, so the rest of the night and morning was great. I got plenty of cuddles and..well..er...other things >=) He is just a sweet guy and a really good friend. I'm glad he entered my life.

So, my dad got all his court shit straightened out. For those of you who don't know, my dad had a couple of tickets and shit that he didn't pay from a long time ago, so now everything is fine. Now here comes the fucked up part. I was driving to school today, minding my own business, when a cop gets behind me, and flashes his lights. He pulls me over, says that the owner of the vehicle (my dad) has a suspended liscense. I told him that my dad had just went to court and gotten everything worked out. He said that he would most likely go, just to make sure I tell my dad to get it taken care of. He said that he wanted to check my liscences to make sure they weren't suspended. Well...awhile back, I had gotten a ticket for something, and I never got a chance to pay it because of several reasons..anyway, I ended up having a warrant out for my arrest, and the guy arrested me =( The one guy named Robert was nice, but the other cop who he must have called for backup, was a dick. He hand cuffed me so damn tight, that i actually had blue marks on my wrists. Robert was nice enough to take the handcuffs off, and put them on the front of my, and looser. So, pretty much, he took me in, my mom came, paid the bail. So now all I gotta do is go 2morrow, get my liscense restored, then show up at the court dates, and I'll be fine. It was just a fucked up day. I'm tired, mentally and emotionally, and I just feel like I want to crawl in a whole and never come out. I'm tired of shit always going bad. And, I don't really feel like being alone right now. But hey, that's the story of my life =(

11 fallen angels| love me onto death

So Much To Do, So Little Time [19 Oct 2002|12:27pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Well, I haven't updated in forever, and there really isn't much to say. Basically, I've just been going to school, and doing tons of homework. I am so damn exhausted. I have an art quiz on Monday, and a history test on Thursday. I was going to take this weekend and get caught up on notes, but I am just too damn tired. Tonight I have to go out with my friend Kelly. I promised her I would go to her Uncle's birthday party. It's a suprise party, being catered at some place. Anyway, after that, we are going to a party, some lodge in Woodberry. Supposedly there are going to be strippers there and stuff. So this should be entertaining. I HAVE to get some work done 2morrow. I want to get all my history done. I also have to prepare for this fucking research paper that's due in December. There are certain parts, like note cards, outlines, etc that are due on certain days. Note cards are due on October 29th. So like, I need to get on it. I'm sort of going cazy with all the work I have to do.

Last Saturday I had lots of fun. My friend Gabriel came down and visited me. He lives a little less then an hour away, somewhere in Pheonixville, PA. We got some pizza, had nice conversation, and later that nite we cuddled =) He is just a really nice guy, and, me being lonely and all, it was nice being held and carassed.

So this morning I got up early (grumbles) and went to this dollar store in Glassboro who are going out of business. They have everything 50% off lol. Can you imagine a dollar store having everything in the store 50% off?! They fucking had black spiral bound notebooks! The pages are black and have lines. Just like a regular notebook, only it has black pages! So fucking cool! So I bought 4 of them, and some gel pens lol. I might go back on Monday and get more notebooks lol. I mean, they are only like 50 cents!!

Anyway, I am going to calm down lol. Well, here is a pic of me. I'm sure some of you may have seen it if you saw my post on gothic_babes. BYe for now =)

2 fallen angels| love me onto death

I Miss My Daddy =( [09 Oct 2002|11:06pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Yea, you heard it. I miss my dad =*(. I haven't really updating well, so this is what's been going on.

My dad ended up getting a job offer from a friend. Instead of making $10 bucks an hour and being treated like shit, his friend offered him $25 bucks an hour and working among friends. Sounds great eh? Well, here is the catch. One, it is dangerous. My dad is a painter...but this new job has him painting high water towers which are stories up in the air. My dad is almost 50 years old... so that worries us. Second, the job has him gone during the week, and he comes home on the weekends. So we miss him like hell. Yea the money is good and all, but I don't think it is worth it. My mom jsut got off the phone with him..and it looks like my dad is going to go back to his old job. Here to find out, they didn't work yesterday because it was too windy, and it is supposed to rain 2morrow and Friday, so they won't work then. My dad has to pay for his food and stuff, so it really isn't worth it, when he could be working back here, and despite the rain, work everyday. I'm glad they came to that decision.

Anyway, tomorrow should be entertaining. I might be withdrawing from my History of Western Civilization class. The teacher is a complete moron. I mean, yes he is a nice guy, but he teaches ass backwards. So if I withdraw, it doesn't affect me as long as I take the class over next semester. I definitely am going to take the class over if I do withdraw, and pick another professor. I guess I will see tomorrow when I get my test back. I just am so pissed and irritated because I studied my ass off for that test, and it was hard as hell. If I failed it, then most likely I am going to withdraw first thing Monday. I am not the kind of person who gives up, but I got 3 other classes that I also need to concentrate my time on. It shouldn't have to stress myself out over that class.

So tomorrow, after Adria leaves (she is coming back to my house and I am going to take her to get her hair cut) I have to work on my book critique for sociology. I am doing it on Edward Scissorhands. Mr. Hughes said we could do it on a movie if we wanted to. I am really excited because Edward Scissorhands has alot of sociological/pychological within the story. First everyone was scared of him because he looked different. They treated him as if he were stupid, or handicapped. But in all reality, the person who made him taught him manners, and how to be "proper." Instead of trying to get to know and understand him, they try to make him into someone he is not. They tried to use him to their benefit, such as when the ladies all got haircuts from him. But as soon as he did something wrong, which wasn't even his fault, they turned on him.

Ok, I am going to shut up now lol. I gotta go anyways. Time to study for good old jack ass' quiz 2morrow. >=(

2 fallen angels| love me onto death

Tired [05 Oct 2002|11:12pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I don't even know what to say...hmmmm...well, today I did absolutely NOTHING. Like, for the first time, I actually just sat around in my pajamas, and read a book all day. Well...ok, I lied. I did all of my laundry, but that was it. Then around 4pm I went over a friend's house to help her move her new entertainment center in her room and help her clean. I was getting really irrated because her room is DISGUSTING. I mean, I'm not even trying to be ignorant. But she has forks, old plates, soda cans...it's just nasty. So I am dead tired from cleaning and helping her move shit.

I have alot of homework to do, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I just want to read books, or write my story. I have so many ideas for it. Like, I just took a shower, and now I feel like going to bed. Which sucks, because there is so much I want to do but my mind and body are both too tired to think or do anything. *sighs*

Well this was a rather pointless entry. So I guess I'm just going to go now. =-/

love me onto death

I Made A Community!!! [01 Oct 2002|11:08pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Ok, I haven't updated in awhile. I am really tired, so I am going to cover everything really quick.

One, I got my car insured, registered, and tagged. Tommorrow I have to go to my school to get a parking voucher so I can drive me and Adria to school on Thursday and Friday. So I am really happy about that.

Two, I didn't get that job. Well, at least I don't think so. I went to the interview, and I just had this feeling the guy hated me. He was supposed to call people he was interested in for the job either on Monday or Tuesday. Well, it's Tuesday and no phone call. I'm really not that worried about it. I have some other jobs I'm going to be looking forward too.

Three, on Saturday, Tyler, a friend of mine from who lives in north/central Jersey, came and got me. I had been really depressed, because me and my dad had had a really bad arguement on Friday. I wanted to get out of the house. Gabriel decided to stay around his place, so I pretty much was just going to sit home and mope. So me and Tyler made last min plans. So he came and got me. Then we went back to where he lives. We checked into a motel. I know it sounds cheap, but the room was actually very cool. It had a big queen size bed, cable tv, air condition. So we pretty much watched tv, cuddled, ordered Dominos Pizza, pigged out, laughed, and had a great time. We barely got any sleep. I haven't had a good time like that in a long time. SO all I got to say is, THANKS TYLER!!!

Finally, I made a community! It's called Cryptic Minds. The community is a place where people can post their artwork and/or writings. Everyone is welcome to join. If you are interested, please go HERE, and read the guidelines and join!!!

love me onto death

I Might Have A Job YaY! [25 Sep 2002|10:34pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Well, I am super excited right now. Early today I was cleaning the house. Kelly called and decided to come over for a visit. So she came over, and I made her dinner. We were talking about jobs, and how I am looking for one, but with my bad back and my leg, I really can't do anything too strenous. Kelly has openings at her job, which deals with handicapped and severely mentally retarded people. I would have no problem working with handicapped people, but the job requires lifting them, and I know I wouldn't be able to do it with my back.

So then I was talking about how I wish I could get a secretary or receptionist job, or maybe a job working with children or animals. Kelly was like, "Why don't we go out and get the newspaper." So we did, came back to my house, and was looking. Well, I saw a couple jobs, one dealing with animals, but it was sort of far away. Then there was this job at a local church. They needed someone to work in the nursery on Sunday mornings at the church. So I called and left a message.

THEN I saw the job I REALLY WANT! I couldn't believe it. It's a job at a preschool called All Children Smile. They deal with children anywhere from 18 months to kindergarden. I called and they said they need someone to work from 2:30pm to 6pm. THAT IS PERFECT! I get out of class at 1:15pm. So I could go straight to work. Then be home by 6:30pm and have no problem doing homework! I'd work Monday-Friday, and have weekends off. How can you beat that?! The lady seemed really nice. She gave me directions, and I have an interview at 1:30pm 2morrow. So I have to get out of History like 10 mins early. Kelly is going to take me to the interview =)

So I have a nice outfit to wear, I'm really excited. I have a good feeling about this. I really love kids. I know they can be bad, but I have the patience to work with them. And the thing is, I know I might have to pick some kids up or run after kids, but it's better then picking up grown handicapped men! So, just wish me luck everyone!!

1 fallen angel| love me onto death

Lonely =( [25 Sep 2002|12:23am]
[ mood | lonely ]

Yea, so I am lonely. I don't want to say I'm depressed, but I do feel kinda down right now. Like, things are going really good for me, school is great, got my car, going to get insurance before the weekend is out and I'm looking for a job, but I just can't help but feel apprehensive...like something is going to happen to destroy my new happiness. I'm going to try not to think about it too much.

And I also feel lonely. I wish I had a man, a companion, someone to cuddle up with every nite, to feel warm and loved. Someone I can just be myself around. No walls or barriers. No lies or secrets. Just love and friendship.

So my dad told me tonight that he is going to be taking off on Friday to get insurance and tags for the car. Then on Sunday he plans taking my car somewhere, I think a gas station, that has one of these machines, that can tell if your car needs an oil change and/or a tune up. So Monday I'll probably go to school early to get a driving voucher so I can park my car or whatever. Or maybe I will see if Adria's mom can take us to school on Monday so that way I can get the voucher. I don't want to risk taking my car, parking it, then trying to get a voucher, and they don't give it to me right away or something. I don't need them to tow my car away lol. So I guess I'll see.

Oh, just in case anyone was wondering what happened, my aol account finally got disconnected. I have comcast cable internet now, and when I called aol so they could disconnect me, they gave me a couple free months. Anyways, the majority of my pics were uploaded on aol. Since my aol is disconnected now, all of the links of my pics on my Cuntress Blade journal do not work anymore. I found another place to host my pics, but instead of going thru all the hassle of changing all the links, I'm just going to delete my Cuntress Blade journal. I don't really post pics on there anymore, no one really comments. If I have new pics, I will just put them on this journal with an LJ cut, or just put them on my site.

So over the weekend I started talking to a really nice guy named Gabriel. He lives in Pheonixville (I think that is how you spell it), which is somewhere near Philly. He is 23, 6'2, and has long dyed red I think. He just seems really nice, we have alot in common. He plans on coming to see me on Saturday, so I'm looking forward to that. I think we are just going to go out for Pizza, and rent a couple of movies. I like him because he is the kind of guy that you don't have to "impress" by wearing short skirts, or low cut tops. He just seems like a fun guy to just hang out with and have deep conversations with. A good guy friend. I'm not looking for more then that. If things should happen more...I will worry about it then. For now I am just going to enjoy meeting him and have a little fun. He is working right now...poor boy works 3rd shift =-/. If I go to bed anytime soon, I might be able to catch him online after he gets done work. If not I'm sure I will talk to him sometime 2morrow.

Well, I guess I should shut the hell up. I'm going to read the rest of this book, maybe start another one, then try to get some rest. *hugs livejournal friends*

love me onto death

Oh Happy Day! [22 Sep 2002|06:58pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Well, I am happy, at least for the time being, so I am going to be a little selfish and enjoy being happy.

So all yesterday I worked on my art project. It came out really nice, I am proud of it, and I should get a pretty nice grade.I GOT MY CAR LAST NITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I was super happy. It is so damn nice! My dad drove it home, but I was in the front seat with him. We got it home, and Colleen, my brother's best friend's mom, was checking it out. My brother turned on the radio, and him and his friend were freaking out because I supposedly have some really good speakers lol. It has cool base and everything. My brother's friend said to keep the speakers and just go to Pep Boys and buy a cd player with radio. They have them there for $70 bucks! So I might just do that eventually.

So today my mom went to work, but instead of working a double, she got to come home at 2pm. So my dad put a pair of fake tags on my car, and since it has a good sticker, I went and picked my mom up at work, then drove her to the Acme so we could get dinner for 2nite. The car rides so damn cool, and I had my air condition on lol. I just had to. I mean, this is the first nice car I have had. So, once we got home, my dad ended up taking the car out to check it out. The engine light keeps coming on, which means it probably needs a tune up and an oil change. So before I take it to school, my dad is going to make sure it has everything it needs.

Anywho, so my dad is going to take off on Wednesday or Thursday and get insurance for it rather then 2morrow. Monday is bad for him to take off since he just started painting a house and stuff. Plus, he wants my mom to call the insurance company up to see how much it will be to insure both cars. So I just gotta get through one more week, and then I'll be ok.

I have a few things I need to do once I get the car insured and on the road. One, is turn in my application for Hot Topic. I really need a job, and there isn't shit around here. So, Hot Topic should be hiring right about now, at least that is what the girl told me. I also plan on spending some more time with my brother. I told him one day me and him are going out to the movies, or out to dinner or something. I also want to take Adria to get a hair cut. That is actually one of the first things I want to do. I didn't get her anything for her birthday because I told her I would take her to get her hair cut. So, hopefully in a couple weeks I can take her.

Yup, so I am a pretty happy girl. School is going great, got my car. Now all I need is a man. Oh my Prince Charming, where are you?

8 fallen angels| love me onto death

Wooooooohoooooooooo! [18 Sep 2002|11:03am]
[ mood | happy ]

Well, I am in a much better mood. Last night me and my dad went and picked up his new car. =) It's fucking sweet as hell. It is a 91 Capris. It looks like one of those new cop cars, only it is silver. I'm jealous because it has a cassette player in it lol. But it's all good. So when he gets home today from work, him and his friend are going to look under the car and try to fix something. Something to do with a bar in back of the car. I don't know. My mom loves it sooo much. I haven't seen them this excited in awhile. We have always driven around in shitty cars, so, I am happy that we can spoil ourselves a little.

Anywho, so I go to pick up MY car on one of 3 days:Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. My dad will most likely pick it up earlier then Saturday because he said the guy is doing something on Saturday and might not be home. I can't fucking wait!!! I just want me car! On Monday, my dad might take off work so he and my mom can go to get insurance on my car. Then when I get back from school, Kelly is going to take me and my mom to motor vehicale so we can get tags and stuff for the car. OMG! SO damn excited!

Blah, anywho lol. I need to calm down. So...Adria's birthday is on Friday. Woohoo! She turns the big 19 lol. For her birthday, I am going to take her to get a hair cut on me =) I just gotta wait until my car gets on the road, and wait until I get some money. So most likely in a couple of weeks, I will set a date with her and we can go =) I'm tired of her having her hair pulled back! Damnit, she looks cute with long hair. But noooo missy poo wants to chop it off to her shoulders or shorter lol. Naw, it will look cute, whatever she gets. =) I'm still deciding on what I want to do. See, I could pay for her hair cut, and then take her out to Friendly's....have them sing the birthday song to her...>=) I might tell her to bring a few bucks with her so we can go out to eat *grins devilishly*

Anywho, I better go now. Here is a new pic of me I took last nite. To see more, go to my other journal, at Cuntress Blade. Bye =)

1 fallen angel| love me onto death

Friday the 13th IS Real [13 Sep 2002|09:31pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Yup. I had one hell of a day. And when I say hell, I mean HELL. First I get woken up out of the best sleep of my life by my mom, who tells me Adria's mom called and Elona (Adria's sister) and/or Brian (Elona's boyfriend) can't take us to school. Now, I was very pissed the fuck off. First of, I am very grateful for her giving me rides to school. I thank her every day. So I am not trying to sound ungrateful. What pissed me off is that I had asked Adria last nite if we were going to have a ride and she said yes (I know it isn't your fault Adria) and so I called Kelly back, to let her know I had a ride. Well, this morning comes around, and by the time Karen called me, it was too late to even hitch a ride with Kelly. So I was fucked. I partly was pissed because of my frustration with not having a car. But at the same time, I wish she had told me the nite before instead of this morning. So yes, I was pissed off. So my mom asked if I was going to school. FUCK YES. There is no fucking way I am going to miss school this early in the year.

So I had to find out the bus schedule, which was a pain. So I caught the first bus. Not bad. We get to Glassboro, and this woman who must have went shopping at a store, ended up dropping a whole fucking thing of eggs all over the bus. The driver had to pull over and clean it up. I was a little freaked because I didnt want to be late for the next bus. Then my knight and shining armor came on the bus. This guy named Curtis. He was also going to the same college I am going to. Anywho, he is black, and has this awesome fucking accent. He sat behind me. He actually is very good looking. He has very pretty eyes, and nice white straight teeth. He was dressed in a white dress shirt and a black pair of pants. Anyways, we talked for a little bit about our literature classes. Then he saw I was getting nervous because I wasn't exactly sure where to get off at. So he told me not to worry, he knew where to go and just to relax. So we got off that bus, and waited for the next. We talked and talked. He is from Trinidad, and he moved here to live with his cousin. He was just really nice, I felt very comfortable around him. I hope I get to see him again.

So I get to school. I am SO happy I went because I ended up getting alot of homework for English. We went over Chapter 2, and she gave us some valuable notes on how to write a Precis, and I would have been so fucking lost if I hadn't went because she assigned us a paper. After my English class, I sat in this little room and started reading. THEN of ALL people...DIEbra, this girl from high school, comes up to me. She was nice, but I couldn't really stand her in high school. I was just in a really bitchy mood today, but I at least was civil to her. Then I went to my Sociology class. I took some notes in there. He ACTUALLY assigned homework. I almost dropped dead. Usually he doesn't assign homework. IN the class, this guy that sits next to me was really fucking annoying me. He keeps talking to me, acting like a high school immature asshole. I felt like strangling him.

Anywho, after my classes I went into the little cafeteria area in the IC building to get something to drink before I caught my bus. That cheered me up because I ended up seeing this really hot guy....omg, I am going to marry him lol. Yea I saw him last Tuesday, and I didn't think I was going to see him again, but there he was...mmmm...damnit. So stared at him for awhile. Then he got up and went somewhere. So I caught my bus....waited for the next bus...by then I was so damn tired. I felt sick when i got up, because of the damn weather. My head is all congested, my nose is runny. GRRRR. But hey, I made it home. So to treat myself, I walked to the pizza place and ordered myself a couple slices. Came home, took a shower, and just chilled.

Plans for the weekend...well, my dad is going to cash his checks 2morrow and go buy a car hopefully. He saw a few cars that were reasonable. I just need something! I have lots and lots of homework to do, and a paper so I gotta do that. Other then that, I just plan on chilling.

Oh, last nite was one year since I broke my leg. I would be in surgery right now =(

love me onto death

Wish I Could Crawl Into A Whole [09 Sep 2002|10:01pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

You know, I just came to the realization that it is hard having two best friends that are completely different in every way. I am not complaining, I love both of them for who they are and for different reasons. The each fill me up as a whole. Where one is lacking, the other is full, and vise versa.

Today I realized how bad and awkward I feel when they are both around each other. It isn't their fault that they are different, but I just feel bad. One is very talkative, the other isn't. When I try to talk to the one, the other cuts in (not you Adria). But that I guess isn't what is bothering me. I guess I just feel bad because I am depending on them alot lately. I know it sounds retarded, I have done stuff for both of them at different times in their lives. I guess I should just sit back, and allow them to help me, not feel guilty. I am helpless in my current situation without a car. But it drives me crazy allowing them to help me, mainly because I'm scared I'm "overstepping" my welcome or boundaries. I know it is stupid, I know my friends would do just about anything to help me, but I just want them to know how much it means to me.

The whole car situation just pisses me off. It angers me to the point of tears. I'm disgusted. I was supposed to get that car from Natalie's boyfriend's daughter, but now things are all fucked up. They are a bunch of drunks, who keep going back on their word. We have a couple other possibilities for getting a car. We are supposed to find out for definite 2morrow about Natalie's boyfriend's daughter's car. If we don't get that, then my brother's best friend's mom is selling her Firebird for $1,000 dollars. She is nice enough to take $500 now, and the rest later. So we might just do that. My dad also went to a car dealer lot and saw a few cars with reasonable prices. I should have a car by no later then next week. But it is just the point, the disappointment. I am not trying to sound ungrateful, I am in college, things are going great, I'm starting to finally have a LIFE, but I just feel like a piece of shit. Maybe it is my period talking. I guess bleeding, bloating, headaches,, back aches, and cramps would do that to a person.

love me onto death

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